Coz You Are So Perfect

I think I'm being pathetic. Haha. Post before this, I said I have move on.

Several things happen and I realize, I actually 

NEVER EVER MOVE ON.

I can't move on. I can't even find a person to replace him. He's...just so perfect for me. He got everything I want in a man. He's just so perfect.

And you expect me to find a replacement for him? Haha never. He already set a high standard of man for me. Who should I blame? He's gone. I know that. But I miss him. Still.

We never have an official relationship, I know. But me liking him, is not one side. We are mutual but just waiting for a right time to tell each other but he go to heaven first.

I still remember him, I still crying over him. The pain, the regret is eating me. But I'm not being weak. This actually making me stronger. I move forward courageously, thanks to him.

So yeah, the point here is I can't move on from him cos he's just so perfect. I don't care whatever people said, but for me he's perfect. A perfect man for me. There's no one like him. At this moment.

May you happy there love.

I'm finding my happiness here but I believe I will find it someday. Please watch over me. Oh I wish I could meet you in my dream tonight.

Sweet dream for me. 

Continue reading →

12:36 - Moving On

Hi so as the topic say, MOVING ON.

I think at this point, I can fully move on from him.

 It's the time to let him go, it's the time I'm moving forward. 

I'm holding him so much that I'm hurting myself more and more.

How I know that I can move on is I think that my heart is alive again.

It knows how to skip a beat with just a smile or when our eyes meet again.

I thought I have lose it together when I lose him.

But maybe the time has come.

Saying I have found someone is a bit too early.

But at least I know my heart is still alive.

And I'm feeling grateful to meet that person.

At least for now, I'm learning how to have crush again.

How to feel that fluttering, butterfly in stomach again.

It's great I can feel it again.

So I'm thanking God for giving me chance to meet a person,

to tell me that I'm still alive and I'm still normal.

The time I spent with him is great,

the youth I spent thinking about him is precious,

I was so happy.

I now can fully accept it. 

He is no longer here, but he's in a better place.

This world is too cruel for him.

He's precious to me, he will always in my heart,

stay inside the deepest part of my heart,

not forgotten but valued.

Maybe I think it's my last goodbye.

Goodbye, my forever first love.

Continue reading →

1.13 AM - Hey,

Hey,

You know what, since that day I cried like crazy because of you and write a handwritten letter for you, I thought I manage to clear my mind, locked my feelings about you.

But I guess it's not a success? But it still better than before. The best part is, I don't feel like crying when I watch it. It's a good thing I think...

Hey,

Only if ... nah. There's no only if. It's ridiculous. I don't know why tho I still and keep thinking about you. I'm such a fool right? I should let you go and remember only the good memories we shared. But here I am... not being able to move on.

No matter how much I move, I keep coming to the same spot. Like I'm running in circle. My feeling too. I want to throw it but it keep coming to me. Am I'm at wrong here? for not being able to forget you? For not being able to move on.

It hurts you know. I feel like crying out loud but it useless. You won't be there anyway. You never be here with me again.

Hey,

You want to know what foolish imagination I used to have about you and I? I thought you have feeling for me too. So just maybe rn, we focus on our path first, so by the time we reunite again, each of us have something to give.

As for my part, I'm becoming pretty, much pretty, no. A lot prettier than before so that I can meet you with confidence. So that I can said, "Hey, I hv like you for a long time." with confidence. I want to a princess for you as you're like shining prince for me. Well maybe I do hv imagine walking with you, chatting and laughing and I would be the happiest person alive at that time. I guess I do imagine how should I act if one day you might bring me to me meet your family. Oh gosh. I'm embarrassed.... that is so dumb right? I'm sorry.

But you go first before all of that. Haha. Now I feel bad for having those thought. In several month it will mark 1 year you left me, you left us. I hope you happy and doing fine there.

I'll miss you and always will miss you. Funny how I can said this words so easily now. But I guess it's only for you because of my regret. The regret of me not being able be brave. I do think that you gave me a lot if hint, but I'm to dumb to take it. IDK. Haha.

So hey,

I want to meet you in my dream tonight. Will you come and talk to me? Or maybe I can saw your killer cute smile? ah I'm being delusional again. Sorry.

I think I should stop now. I need to sleep. Sometimes I feel like I'm pathetic for doing this. But where else should I go. My heartache, my chest is heavy. This feeling is killing me. But I still want to hold it tight coz it somehow makes me a little happy.

Is this what they guilty pleasure?

Ah suddenly I feel a rush of emotion coming and I'm going to cry anytime from now. I really need to stop.

So yeah, bye.

Continue reading →

BEEPPPPP

Idk what I should write tbh haha
But I feel like writing.
My thought?
Idk
I feel a little down rn but nevermind, I won't care about it.
If I care about it, it'll become worse.
And it's bad.

I think I need someone to talk to I guess.
Someone my age.
Should I call my friend?
Hmm....I'm afraid she's busy...

Haaaa my life is so dull tho.
I don't do anything, I don't know what to do.
I even don't have any mood for writing...

Maybe I should take a rest. Maybe?
Oh suddenly I got plan.
But...
Ok nevermind.

So I'll end it here.
Bye.

Continue reading →

icrecream

Continue reading →

12.04 am : HIM

BGM: Yiruma - If I Could See You Again

Tbh I should not writing here right now because I should be studying for my final but then I came across that piece by Yiruma - If I Could See You Again, I remember HIM again. 

I feel bad tbh everytime I remember him. It's not like I want to forget him but I really wish I can just remember him as a piece of memory without any attachment of feelings. Because when it come to him, I become emotional. Remembering him means pain to my heart. 

It's been months since he left me, he left us but I don't know why, I feel like he's still with me. Even I thought I can finally move on, remembering him without any feelings attach to it, he came back in my dream. And when that happen, I'm in an emotional mess again. I would cry for losing him again and again. 

Sometimes I wonder, why did he come to my dream? Is there anything he want to say or is there's something that I need to know? At this point, I think that, I can't move on from him. But what did I get from this? He's not here. He's not in this world. So what's the point of holding the feelings for someone who's gone forever? He can never return it back nor rejected it - my feelings.

I seriously feel stupid about this but...what can I do? When he don't stop appearing in my dream, talking to me, smiling at me, as if he's still alive. That's not helping me. Or is it really my fault? Is it me the reason all of this happen? I think I have forget him but deep down inside my heart, that feeling is so strong? Maybe.

Is it because of this unspoken feeling of mine makes this thing worse? I don't know. I don't know. I should forget him, but I don't want either. I want him to be my sweet memory but doing that I'm hurting my own feelings. I want to let go of this feeling but it's precious to me.

*sigh* I wish I can move on... I wish I can let go. This feels is suffocated me. But I want to embrace this feels too...Ah this is hard. Hahaha.

Now that I have let this thought here, I feel a little better. Coz I can't tell anyone about this. They will call me crazy. This and many other thought, I can only write it here. This, here is where my mind is. Okay I need to get back to my work. 

Bye. 

Continue reading →

2.51 pm : LOVE YOURSELF

LOVE YOURSELF

Okay first thing first, I'm not gonna talk about BTS new album. (That album is gold. YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ALL OF IT.) I just want to write about this topic - LOVE YOURSELF - which is so relevant.

'LOVE YOURSELF' is something that's not everyone can do. It's much easier to be said tbh but not easy to be done. For me, I don't know if I ever love myself. I mean, I don't harm myself but maybe I hate the inner me. I pretty satisfied with my outer appearance at this moment. (After many strict diet and stuff, so yeah I love my physical right now. I hate the old me so much. Coz I'm so UGLY back then.Euww)

But then the problem here is my inner. The inner me is still so ugly. Too many negativity, to many self-loathing, too many bad thoughts, ugh I HATE IT. 

And the key to love yourself, is to accept yourself first. But I can't come to a point where I can accept myself. How can I accept myself when there's nothing good from it? So I end up pretending. I don't know since when I start wearing this facade. Why? Because me too, want attention. Not that much attention, but enough to the point someone see me, see that I'm worthy too. And if I show the TRUE me, they will run away from me. That's a nightmare.

FAKE SELF. I'm tired of it. I want to  get out from it, but it I can't. I'm so afraid if those people will leave me. This "good-proper-obedient lady" facade is cracking bit by bit and I'm afraid. Plus I'm at the a new place. They absolutely can't see through this mask. The ugly side of me, I can't never let them see. So I need to repair the cracking mask before it breaks. Because it almost breaks the last semester.

It's all because of that certain people. They challenge me so much. I can't take it. But thankfully, I still have a little self control at that time. Ah I need to practicing self control after this. I can't be out of control or that ugly side will appeared. And that is bad news. 

So

Tell me how should I love MYSELF?

I'm so UGLY.

Tell me how should I accept MYSELF?

It's so UNACCEPTABLE.

Tell me how should I let go of this FAKE SELF?

It's being mold PERFECTLY.

PERFECTLY MOLD FAKE SELF

What else do I need?

Maybe the journey of me LOVING MYSELF is still long.
I'm sorry boy... but nevertheless I'll still try...

Continue reading →

1.33 am - I wanna go home

I think it's almost 3 month? 4 months? I don't know how long since the last time I met my family. And I think I still have around 2 months before I can go back home...
It's not that I'm having homesick tbh. But more to worried. As long as I'm here, my mother always tell me how's the condition at home and to be exact, it's breaking my heart every single time I heard about it.

The latest on is that my father have totally lost his appetite. He won't eat rice nor things that he used to love to eat. And day by day he's getting thinner and thinner. I'm worried about him. My mom is not really well enough too. I know she's sick but she covered it. They both are sick. Even it it's not that severe ill, but still...for their age, then can be much healthier than that.

You don't know how deep down in my heart, I want to stop what I'm doing rn and stayed at home, helping them with what I can. I feel that my parents spend too much money for my education and cost of living here. I feel bad but I can't afford to tell them this. But when I think about it again, I need to finish my degree and then I can help them for such a long time with what I had learn.

I keep telling myself, that this is for the sake of my family even sometimes that doesn't work. I'm stressed and in pressure so much atm. Mostly about money and my parents help. How at this moment my family win something big so we can get some money. haha but that's impossible.

You know what? I wish I can go back home and cook for my father. Who know he might love spaghetti? Or any western food that I cook for him? My father need to be healthy again...because right now, we have only him to work with my mother to find some fund for us.

Ahhhh I don't know what to do anymore... I'm stuck. I have forget almost all of my selfish desire, I have made the sacrifice at my part so where's the part that need to be sacrifice for us to be like we used to be before?

Be grateful they said. I know.

Don't compare yourself to others. I know.

Look someone who is lower than you. I know.

There's someone who is in much more worst situation than you. I know.

This trial is given because He know you're strong enough to carry it. I KNOW.

But until when? I'm tired already. Sometimes almost giving up.

Maybe I need to wait.

A week, a month, a year or even a decade....

Continue reading →

1.10 am

Hv you done something and instantly regret it?

Yeah I do. Blame my bloody emo depressing shit self, that wrote a long ass message to my mom telling her my concern.

At some part it feel like it was correct but after I came into a realization, IT'S THE WORST STEP EVER!!!!!

Fxxk this. My mom will be so worried. Ugh WHY THE HELL THIS I DO THAT?! THIS STUPID BITCH DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HERSELF WELL. FXXK.

I regret it but guess what made me realize how stupid and a weakling I am? AGUST D. 

You know, I'm such in an emotional mess when I decide to open AGUST D mixtape when suddenly, I feel all energize again. This is funny. It's like I'm almost falling into a dark pit but then something grab me before I fall. (I'll keep to myself the reason why that mixtape is literally having some impact to me.) I know it's not for long. That thing won't let me calm for a long time. But I think it's good even for a moment. I'm fine again. Even with the heavy sound, I managed to calm myself. Impressive wasn't it? Maybe I should listen to AGUST D everytime I'm in an emotional mess. Haha.

Lately, it's been a whole difficult time for me. I'm having a rough time coping with everything in life. I lost hope, lost motivation and lost direction.

Ugh I really wish I'm free from those evil thought that always in my mind. I'm not okay. I know. I'm not mentally stable, I guess. But I hope I still have this rational mind to works just as fine so that I'm not doing something so silly.

Final words for now, goodnight world. I wish I hv a nice dream tonight coz I'm so tired of nightmare.

Continue reading →

1.20 am Log

If I have You, Will you...

RnB songs playing as the BGM,

It don't sing me to sleep,

Instead it's waking me up.

Like a lover thinking of her other half,

Like a girl waiting for another text from her lover.

Like a girl madly in love, can't sleep waiting for tomorrow to come,

To meet her lover.

But I'm alone now, in this room, 

Eyes on the ceiling, 

Making scene in my head.

Ah this moment is so nice,

The vibe is so nice.

It makes me think,

If I have you...

If I have you,

Will you take me out for a night drive?

Driving through the dark night outside?

On an empty road,

Only me and you.

If I have you,

Will you hold me tight?

While we cuddling under a warm blanket,

In this cold night,

Talking about nothing,

Just between me and you.

If I have you,

Will you hold my hands,

When we walk in the park,

When we go to the beach,

Even when I'm falling?

That is the only thing I wish I can do,

With you, with me, 

In this time,

In the name of us.

Haha pardon myself for

I'm being a hopeless romantic,

But the vibe right now is so good,

I can't help myself,

But start thinking about,

If I have you.

If I have you, 

Can you grant my wish?

Can you makes my dream comes true?

I don't ask much.

I just wish,

Those scene will become reality.

If I have you,

Will you do that?

Will you?

Will you?

-END-

Continue reading →

3.32 am Log

It's late right now. Almost morning. But my eyes still don't close. Can't close. Many thoughts had came across my mind. My playlist is so nice right now and it help me with this unsettling feelings I've been bottled up since I don't know when. 

Sometimes just sometimes a thought, this particular thought came across my mind - what if I'll forever be alone?

Even I always said to myself, alone or not, I'll be fine as long as I achieve my dream. But sometimes just sometimes a side of me needs someone. Not friend. Someone as in a person. Partner? No not that. Special person? Sounds cheesy. Anyway sometimes just sometimes I feel like I need somebody.

Lately the thought about being in a relationship always come across in my mind. Like how do people start a relationship? From nobody to somebody? How people convey or expressing their feelings to their other half? What's the feeling of having someone to call to tell about your day? Is it fun? Does is feel nice?

Does it feel nice to having someone taking care for you? Does it feel that good when someone always come to rescue when you're sad? Like always the one to cheer you up? The one who will make you smile? The one that look at you like you're their world?

I wonder sometimes if I ever come across that person in my life. Or I'll forever, never ever being able to feel that? Ahhhh actually I should stop thinking about this. What happen, will happen anyway.

But hey, Im already at that age where I can having some kind of delusion and expectations when it comes to relationship. I'm over 20 what.... Haaaa but I guess that kind of things will not happen to me in this near future. I've many other commitment. But still... Wasn't it great to hv someone to go back to and find comfort in him? Yes I do hv family tho but since I'm too far from my family I guess that's the reason why I'm like this. Sounds like a desperate.

But I tell you the truth, I don't that desperate when it comes to having relationship. I don't even care if I'm not in one. It's just sometimes I'm having this lonely vibe. Don't blame me, I'm a human anyway. I do feel lonely.

Ugh it's almost 4am. I guess I need to sleep. I hope I hv a good dream tonight.

3.52 am log out.

Continue reading →

1.38 am Thought

1.38 am, living room
Song played : Serendipity - BTS

It's legit 1.38 am in the morning and I'm here, in front of my laptop thinking about many thing. Lately, many things had been running in my head and to be honest, it's exhausted.

A little update about my life: I'm struggling with self-loving and fighting with my depression. But by the time I'm writing this, I'm doing just fine. And actually, this week is my second week of final examination. AND! I have paper tomorrow. At 9 am. Haha (What am I doing tho rn???) Anyway, just to let you know, I don't study for tomorrow and... I guess tomorrow paper will be so fvck up. Haha but I don't really care tho. Because.... I've change my course!!! So the paper I took for this semester is totally useless once I start my new semester in my new course.

So yeah that's a little update about what's going on in my life. Only the major thing. Minor? Too many to tell and I won't recall it since most of it...only miserable memories.

I think I should write one of the things that keep lingering in my mind since...I don't know when. It just suddenly popped up and stay there till another things come up.

What should I talk about right now??? Hmm....
(I was distracted actually by their (BTS) sweet voice in Coffee. I can't focus... T.T)

Ah! Youth and future. I think  this topic is kinda related to each other. Like how we always wonder about our future and even lost in the way while planning for the bright future we always dreaming. I've come to the point if my life where I think we should sometimes enjoy our youth, enjoy the moment, count the blessing we had right now than worrying about the not clear future.

I'm not saying to not planning your future but what I'm trying to say here is that, we should enjoy things while it last. Erm...but I don't think we can enjoy much since people like me, who always being chased by anxiety, stress, depressing things and whatnot can't enjoy much. But actually...between those fear, between those worries, there is a definite amount of blessing and things we can be grateful for.

Sometimes we often lost in our closed space and never noticed those small things that can cheer us up a little in the midst of being lost. Having those difficulty in life, struggle with life right now, I think if we can handle it well right now, in the future, when you look back, you will be able to tell the you right now, you have done a good job.

Coz someone said, those difficulty in life is what makes you beautiful and stronger. I know it's hard for you, for me to go through this mess but trust me, we can get over this. Have hope and never lose it. I know there will be the point where you want to stop everything even your life but trust me, taking your own life won't solve anything. It only leave the pain.

So I hope, we all can be together in this. Let's become each other wings and fly together towards the light. Guys, we have been in the dark for too long. Our beautiful soul had start to rot because we don't give it light for it to bloom. Everyone want to be beautiful right? Even this wings grow from pain, trust me, it's what makes it beautiful.

Negativity. Throw it. Toxic people. Left them. My friend always tell me, start from being grateful even for the small things. Our breath, our limbs, our lives. It's all so precious. And stop comparing your life with others. Each and every person have different timeline. Some have their success at the very young age, some doesn't have anything. But trust me, that time will come when you will, one day be at their place where they are right now. The key is? Your will to fight for it. Your hard-work to make it possible. Everyone can get what we want. Dream as high as you can but don't forget to work for it. That's the most important things.

Huh...I write quite a lot...If only I can do this well on my exam paper tomorrow, that will be so much help. Haha.

Time right now: 2.16 am.
Ok I'll stop. I'm done for today. To be honest writing here is somewhat easing my mind. Even I know no one will read this, well if it do, I want to say, you guys are beautiful people and you guys are strong. Whatever shits that happen in your life, it's a process in making you guys much beautiful person.

Even this is not a really deep thought of mine but if IT DOES help someone out there, I will be so happy and I'm crying tears of joy. Serious.

Ok for the second time, I will stop here.

1.38 am thought, end here.
-Bye-

P/s:Pardon my English if it's bad. I'm not an English speaker. Finally, hv a good day guys.

Much love;
Mikorin

Continue reading →