2.51 pm : LOVE YOURSELF

LOVE YOURSELF

Okay first thing first, I'm not gonna talk about BTS new album. (That album is gold. YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ALL OF IT.) I just want to write about this topic - LOVE YOURSELF - which is so relevant.

'LOVE YOURSELF' is something that's not everyone can do. It's much easier to be said tbh but not easy to be done. For me, I don't know if I ever love myself. I mean, I don't harm myself but maybe I hate the inner me. I pretty satisfied with my outer appearance at this moment. (After many strict diet and stuff, so yeah I love my physical right now. I hate the old me so much. Coz I'm so UGLY back then.Euww)

But then the problem here is my inner. The inner me is still so ugly. Too many negativity, to many self-loathing, too many bad thoughts, ugh I HATE IT. 

And the key to love yourself, is to accept yourself first. But I can't come to a point where I can accept myself. How can I accept myself when there's nothing good from it? So I end up pretending. I don't know since when I start wearing this facade. Why? Because me too, want attention. Not that much attention, but enough to the point someone see me, see that I'm worthy too. And if I show the TRUE me, they will run away from me. That's a nightmare.

FAKE SELF. I'm tired of it. I want to  get out from it, but it I can't. I'm so afraid if those people will leave me. This "good-proper-obedient lady" facade is cracking bit by bit and I'm afraid. Plus I'm at the a new place. They absolutely can't see through this mask. The ugly side of me, I can't never let them see. So I need to repair the cracking mask before it breaks. Because it almost breaks the last semester.

It's all because of that certain people. They challenge me so much. I can't take it. But thankfully, I still have a little self control at that time. Ah I need to practicing self control after this. I can't be out of control or that ugly side will appeared. And that is bad news. 

So

Tell me how should I love MYSELF?

I'm so UGLY.

Tell me how should I accept MYSELF?

It's so UNACCEPTABLE.

Tell me how should I let go of this FAKE SELF?

It's being mold PERFECTLY.

PERFECTLY MOLD FAKE SELF

What else do I need?

Maybe the journey of me LOVING MYSELF is still long.
I'm sorry boy... but nevertheless I'll still try...