1.33 am - I wanna go home

I think it's almost 3 month? 4 months? I don't know how long since the last time I met my family. And I think I still have around 2 months before I can go back home...
It's not that I'm having homesick tbh. But more to worried. As long as I'm here, my mother always tell me how's the condition at home and to be exact, it's breaking my heart every single time I heard about it.

The latest on is that my father have totally lost his appetite. He won't eat rice nor things that he used to love to eat. And day by day he's getting thinner and thinner. I'm worried about him. My mom is not really well enough too. I know she's sick but she covered it. They both are sick. Even it it's not that severe ill, but still...for their age, then can be much healthier than that.

You don't know how deep down in my heart, I want to stop what I'm doing rn and stayed at home, helping them with what I can. I feel that my parents spend too much money for my education and cost of living here. I feel bad but I can't afford to tell them this. But when I think about it again, I need to finish my degree and then I can help them for such a long time with what I had learn.

I keep telling myself, that this is for the sake of my family even sometimes that doesn't work. I'm stressed and in pressure so much atm. Mostly about money and my parents help. How at this moment my family win something big so we can get some money. haha but that's impossible.

You know what? I wish I can go back home and cook for my father. Who know he might love spaghetti? Or any western food that I cook for him? My father need to be healthy again...because right now, we have only him to work with my mother to find some fund for us.

Ahhhh I don't know what to do anymore... I'm stuck. I have forget almost all of my selfish desire, I have made the sacrifice at my part so where's the part that need to be sacrifice for us to be like we used to be before?

Be grateful they said. I know.

Don't compare yourself to others. I know.

Look someone who is lower than you. I know.

There's someone who is in much more worst situation than you. I know.

This trial is given because He know you're strong enough to carry it. I KNOW.

But until when? I'm tired already. Sometimes almost giving up.

Maybe I need to wait.

A week, a month, a year or even a decade....