12.04 am : HIM

BGM: Yiruma - If I Could See You Again

Tbh I should not writing here right now because I should be studying for my final but then I came across that piece by Yiruma - If I Could See You Again, I remember HIM again. 

I feel bad tbh everytime I remember him. It's not like I want to forget him but I really wish I can just remember him as a piece of memory without any attachment of feelings. Because when it come to him, I become emotional. Remembering him means pain to my heart. 

It's been months since he left me, he left us but I don't know why, I feel like he's still with me. Even I thought I can finally move on, remembering him without any feelings attach to it, he came back in my dream. And when that happen, I'm in an emotional mess again. I would cry for losing him again and again. 

Sometimes I wonder, why did he come to my dream? Is there anything he want to say or is there's something that I need to know? At this point, I think that, I can't move on from him. But what did I get from this? He's not here. He's not in this world. So what's the point of holding the feelings for someone who's gone forever? He can never return it back nor rejected it - my feelings.

I seriously feel stupid about this but...what can I do? When he don't stop appearing in my dream, talking to me, smiling at me, as if he's still alive. That's not helping me. Or is it really my fault? Is it me the reason all of this happen? I think I have forget him but deep down inside my heart, that feeling is so strong? Maybe.

Is it because of this unspoken feeling of mine makes this thing worse? I don't know. I don't know. I should forget him, but I don't want either. I want him to be my sweet memory but doing that I'm hurting my own feelings. I want to let go of this feeling but it's precious to me.

*sigh* I wish I can move on... I wish I can let go. This feels is suffocated me. But I want to embrace this feels too...Ah this is hard. Hahaha.

Now that I have let this thought here, I feel a little better. Coz I can't tell anyone about this. They will call me crazy. This and many other thought, I can only write it here. This, here is where my mind is. Okay I need to get back to my work. 

Bye. 

Continue reading →

2.51 pm : LOVE YOURSELF

LOVE YOURSELF

Okay first thing first, I'm not gonna talk about BTS new album. (That album is gold. YOU SHOULD LISTEN TO ALL OF IT.) I just want to write about this topic - LOVE YOURSELF - which is so relevant.

'LOVE YOURSELF' is something that's not everyone can do. It's much easier to be said tbh but not easy to be done. For me, I don't know if I ever love myself. I mean, I don't harm myself but maybe I hate the inner me. I pretty satisfied with my outer appearance at this moment. (After many strict diet and stuff, so yeah I love my physical right now. I hate the old me so much. Coz I'm so UGLY back then.Euww)

But then the problem here is my inner. The inner me is still so ugly. Too many negativity, to many self-loathing, too many bad thoughts, ugh I HATE IT. 

And the key to love yourself, is to accept yourself first. But I can't come to a point where I can accept myself. How can I accept myself when there's nothing good from it? So I end up pretending. I don't know since when I start wearing this facade. Why? Because me too, want attention. Not that much attention, but enough to the point someone see me, see that I'm worthy too. And if I show the TRUE me, they will run away from me. That's a nightmare.

FAKE SELF. I'm tired of it. I want to  get out from it, but it I can't. I'm so afraid if those people will leave me. This "good-proper-obedient lady" facade is cracking bit by bit and I'm afraid. Plus I'm at the a new place. They absolutely can't see through this mask. The ugly side of me, I can't never let them see. So I need to repair the cracking mask before it breaks. Because it almost breaks the last semester.

It's all because of that certain people. They challenge me so much. I can't take it. But thankfully, I still have a little self control at that time. Ah I need to practicing self control after this. I can't be out of control or that ugly side will appeared. And that is bad news. 

So

Tell me how should I love MYSELF?

I'm so UGLY.

Tell me how should I accept MYSELF?

It's so UNACCEPTABLE.

Tell me how should I let go of this FAKE SELF?

It's being mold PERFECTLY.

PERFECTLY MOLD FAKE SELF

What else do I need?

Maybe the journey of me LOVING MYSELF is still long.
I'm sorry boy... but nevertheless I'll still try...

Continue reading →

1.33 am - I wanna go home

I think it's almost 3 month? 4 months? I don't know how long since the last time I met my family. And I think I still have around 2 months before I can go back home...
It's not that I'm having homesick tbh. But more to worried. As long as I'm here, my mother always tell me how's the condition at home and to be exact, it's breaking my heart every single time I heard about it.

The latest on is that my father have totally lost his appetite. He won't eat rice nor things that he used to love to eat. And day by day he's getting thinner and thinner. I'm worried about him. My mom is not really well enough too. I know she's sick but she covered it. They both are sick. Even it it's not that severe ill, but still...for their age, then can be much healthier than that.

You don't know how deep down in my heart, I want to stop what I'm doing rn and stayed at home, helping them with what I can. I feel that my parents spend too much money for my education and cost of living here. I feel bad but I can't afford to tell them this. But when I think about it again, I need to finish my degree and then I can help them for such a long time with what I had learn.

I keep telling myself, that this is for the sake of my family even sometimes that doesn't work. I'm stressed and in pressure so much atm. Mostly about money and my parents help. How at this moment my family win something big so we can get some money. haha but that's impossible.

You know what? I wish I can go back home and cook for my father. Who know he might love spaghetti? Or any western food that I cook for him? My father need to be healthy again...because right now, we have only him to work with my mother to find some fund for us.

Ahhhh I don't know what to do anymore... I'm stuck. I have forget almost all of my selfish desire, I have made the sacrifice at my part so where's the part that need to be sacrifice for us to be like we used to be before?

Be grateful they said. I know.

Don't compare yourself to others. I know.

Look someone who is lower than you. I know.

There's someone who is in much more worst situation than you. I know.

This trial is given because He know you're strong enough to carry it. I KNOW.

But until when? I'm tired already. Sometimes almost giving up.

Maybe I need to wait.

A week, a month, a year or even a decade....

Continue reading →