I Think I Really Hv Lost My Mind

It's been a while since last I write here. But this is the only platform where I can write.
Like the title, I really think I have lost my mind. And the worst part is, I know why and what makes me like this. It's not that person fault, so I will never put the blame on him. It's 100% my fault.

I'm mad, dissapointed, feels pathethic for myself. I hate myself for being like this. I let the feelings take over my mind. I let all the thought distracted me from my goal and work. I hate it so much that I can't even control it. What the fuck is happening to me? can i just throw away the feels? and why the fuck did this feels intensify? where did i do wrong? where did i miss?

i dont perform well, i missed many things on my work, my work are lagging, damn i hate this. why must i catch feels at this kind of timing? i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. and i even feel pathetic for myself that even make the useless effort to pursue.... a GUY? Damn that was so not me. what has taken over my body? it's pitiful. the hell am i doing by pursuing a guy that i NEVER spoken to? it's pathetic.

no matter what i do, i just dont know how to eradicate this feels. i want to delete this feels so bad. i dont want it. i hate it. it's bother so me. its a burden. i said i'm ready bu i guess im not. fuck if this is how it feels to like someone beyond the words 'like' feels like, i rather be numb.  itd my fault for not being able to compress this feels.

i need answer. i'm desperate for answer. i need my focus back. i need to get myself together. im not myself lately. something is changing and i hate it. i'm afraid maybe. this unfamiliar feeling. the bitterness feeling when i saw couple, makes me wanna throw up. i loathe myself for having this tought. a part of me want that too and a part of me hate it so much to dig a hole and stay there.

i really want to know what is this and just an asnwer. is this good for me or this is not? just an obstacle for me? God i really dont know what to do. Im exhausted. mentally and physically. why this is so complicated? its not like im not trying to solve it but it's too much for me to solve it. my heart aches. i hate it. my peaceful mind was disturb. what should i do.

i want to run away from this. set my mind straight again. im not being myself rn. ok i guess i need to sleep. this is too much for today. also with all this sight that i'm seeing, i hate myself even more for having hope for things impossible. i hate it. but its not your fault boy. its all my fault. i dont know since when my heart being this soft. fuck being in love. is not even real - love. love? are you kidding me? thats a load of bullshit.

I WANT MY COLD-ASS, WORKING ORIENTED, BORING AF SELF BACK. If this how it feels to catch feels for people, im regretting saying i want someone. this is burdening me....