About You

I really wish I have a diary rn because I want to write the event in detail like a high schooler but I guess this will do. I dont know where to start because there are too many. This going to be cringe also. (Deep down I'm cursing myself for acting like this)

The first thing that I hate being in this situation is that I hate how my body react towards the thought of him. They betray my head and really doing it their own way. My lips? automatically smile when hearing his name. My eyes? automatically finding him. Damn I hate it. Why I cant just be cool and not making it obvious?

People really said that they saw it. My crush on him and I'm...=_=. Even I know there's nothing wrong with it but it's embarrassing. Especially when the more I know him, the more I learn he really is beyond my expectations.

I state early in this semester I want to start something but now, lately, it start progressing well (?) I can said. I never thought this will happen to me. I know he save my number, and I thought I will feel enough by that but nope. I become greedy but I think because of that, I now have chance to talk to him which I think it is great. I am happy. Very happy.

Regarding this day,  well being in a group is a bless already. But I never thought of this excessive interaction. The way we joke around, casually speaking, doing things together, God I'm happy. But I realized something, he's a dangerous guy. The way that we don't know what is personal space at that time, hmm but I guess it is because of the class condition and the activity we are doing, makes us like that. But the way he come from time to time to our station, even he's free to go to other station somehow makes me feel.happy? and the thing that every station I go, he is there, a little bit makes me going to hv an overthinking. hahahahahahaha but what to do... it just my natural habit to over analyse everything. But I'm looking forward to the future interaction.

The semester is ending. My wish, my deep wish is that I wish he hv the same feeling like me? hahaha. I mean, wish is not a sin right? I can only wish. I'm not good like other girls, but idk. He is so nice for me to let him go. I wish I can know him better.

It is really okay for me to feel happy right? And it is not wrong for me to pursue someone right? It is better than having regret...

Dear boy, please be single. hahahaha. (until maybe just maybe till the time I call you my boyfriend.) hahahahahahhah (God that cringe much.)

Anyway, I wish the best for me and my first attept of relationship after that incident.

Continue reading →

Thoughts

Thoughts?
I have a lot but I tbh don't know where to start. Too many things. But at the same times I feel like I don't hv thought. Haha.
But I just feel like writing something. The previous post I was so mad of myself. I don't want to read that post again. Hahaha. But I wont delete.
It's just lately, I felt lonely? I used to do things alone but lately, I hate it. I dont know why and it happen so sudden. Is it because 'that' had intensifies?
Is it because I'm alive? Because my heart start beating again? Because I finally can open my heart to other? I really dont know which one comes first.
But one things for sure, I both hate and love this feels. It gives me hope but also disappoint me. I do things that I normally do because I want attention? Hahaha God I really dont believe that I do that.
Why? what is happening to me? Idk. It's both thrilling and cringe at the same time.
Haaaa I dont want to think but it makes me think also. I'm both being hopeful and helpless. Why did I turn into a lame high school girl that first time in love?
Wait, Love? I dont want to call that love. Maybe the correct term is interest? or maybe Like? its not love because ... just because. For sure it's not it.
But hey boy, I dont why, but i want to know more about you. I actually hate myself for having this interest but what can I do? only in this area, I cant control my feels. I can control everything but about this, I surrender. I tried to control but nope. It dont work. So i will just decide to play along until it wears out. I will just use the rational approach for it.
I hate it when my feeling control my mind. I feel helpless. But fuh this is challenging.
This holiday, I just hope I can clear my mind even a bit. because it's to stuffing here. So mixed feelings. I dont know anymore. I'm tired but keep having hope. Kinda pitiful aight? Hahaha I know.
But what to do? My brain dont want to cooperate with me this time...
I wish i can sort this all and get a clear glimpse of what is happening in my life right now.

Continue reading →

I Think I Really Hv Lost My Mind

It's been a while since last I write here. But this is the only platform where I can write.
Like the title, I really think I have lost my mind. And the worst part is, I know why and what makes me like this. It's not that person fault, so I will never put the blame on him. It's 100% my fault.

I'm mad, dissapointed, feels pathethic for myself. I hate myself for being like this. I let the feelings take over my mind. I let all the thought distracted me from my goal and work. I hate it so much that I can't even control it. What the fuck is happening to me? can i just throw away the feels? and why the fuck did this feels intensify? where did i do wrong? where did i miss?

i dont perform well, i missed many things on my work, my work are lagging, damn i hate this. why must i catch feels at this kind of timing? i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. and i even feel pathetic for myself that even make the useless effort to pursue.... a GUY? Damn that was so not me. what has taken over my body? it's pitiful. the hell am i doing by pursuing a guy that i NEVER spoken to? it's pathetic.

no matter what i do, i just dont know how to eradicate this feels. i want to delete this feels so bad. i dont want it. i hate it. it's bother so me. its a burden. i said i'm ready bu i guess im not. fuck if this is how it feels to like someone beyond the words 'like' feels like, i rather be numb.  itd my fault for not being able to compress this feels.

i need answer. i'm desperate for answer. i need my focus back. i need to get myself together. im not myself lately. something is changing and i hate it. i'm afraid maybe. this unfamiliar feeling. the bitterness feeling when i saw couple, makes me wanna throw up. i loathe myself for having this tought. a part of me want that too and a part of me hate it so much to dig a hole and stay there.

i really want to know what is this and just an asnwer. is this good for me or this is not? just an obstacle for me? God i really dont know what to do. Im exhausted. mentally and physically. why this is so complicated? its not like im not trying to solve it but it's too much for me to solve it. my heart aches. i hate it. my peaceful mind was disturb. what should i do.

i want to run away from this. set my mind straight again. im not being myself rn. ok i guess i need to sleep. this is too much for today. also with all this sight that i'm seeing, i hate myself even more for having hope for things impossible. i hate it. but its not your fault boy. its all my fault. i dont know since when my heart being this soft. fuck being in love. is not even real - love. love? are you kidding me? thats a load of bullshit.

I WANT MY COLD-ASS, WORKING ORIENTED, BORING AF SELF BACK. If this how it feels to catch feels for people, im regretting saying i want someone. this is burdening me....

Continue reading →

April 13: A Note to Myself

Looking back when I first entered my 20, I was afraid. I was full with uncertainty. I’m the kind of person who don’t do things when I’m not sure. So I hate myself a lot at that time. I hate myself because I’m unable to decide things for myself. I hate myself for being that weak. I spend my whole year hating myself and blaming myself a lot for all the mistakes I do.

The voice tell me I’m a loser. It tell me that I’m the most useless person in the world and no matter what I do, I will never get out from it. And I hate myself for being that weak. I remember clearly the day I cried under the shower just because I hate myself so much and I do think that I don’t deserves to live in this world. Because whatever I do, people will judge me.

I’m afraid of how people will judge me. So I need to present to the world the perfect me even in the inside, I’m beyond broken. I can’t let people see the weak side of me. Even if it’s hurting me, I need to be perfect.

But still. Everything fall apart. The crack become clearer. I can’t cover it anymore. People start seeing the bad side of me. That is the moment I start to give up on living and giving up on myself. I’m losing my confidence more and more. I spend most of my time inside my room, at the corner of my bed. Sometimes crying alone. I was lost in the dark. Alone. The friends I thought that will stay with me, gone like a wind. They never there.

I’m falling deeper and deeper. But even so, a small part of me whispering that there’s still hope. Just need me to believe and keep praying.

And with that little hope, I entered my 21 years. I think my prayers had been answer. It happen so sudden. It’s like I saw a bright light at the end of my suffering tunnel. It draws me in and save me. It really save me. I saw a whole new world in front of me.

Unlike before, this new world is bright and full of colours. It give me confidence and the colours start to colour my mono-self. In this new world, it teach me how to love myself and accept myself more. It’s okay to be weak, it’s okay if you are not perfect. So what if you don’t fit in with community? People talks no matter what you do.

Just do well and avoid the bad. You just need to be yourself. No one can ever define who you are. Be confidence for who you are. Slowly, I start accepting myself. I stop self-loathing. I start saying good things for myself. Praising myself for doing a good job is good too. I start to know how to be happy again. Looks like the fallen pieces turns out bringing the best of me out. Maybe not the very best of me yet but well…it’s better than before.

Friends? I have a few but I learned that not all people willing to stay forever in your life. There is people who are willing to stay but maybe I don’t find it yet. Anyway, I’m loving myself. That’s all I need at this moment.

Today I’m turning 22. My resolution - to throw away toxicity and takes in the positive vibe. I don’t want to go back to that dark world. I still have that uncertainty. I’m still unsure where this road will take me. But whatever or wherever it takes me, there must be a reason behind it and I’m sure that is the best road for me.

Whether it’s bad or good, I’ll keep going on strong. There is rainbow after rain. I believe in it. There will be pain, there will be thunder, there will be fall but it’s all a part of growing. To make a better me. Maybe I will learn there’s a new side of me that I never know it exist but it’s all still me. The past me, the present me and the future me, I will accept them all.

To my past self, hold on. You will get out from that world sooner or later. Hang in there buddy. Never lose your hope. Don’t put your hope on people. Put your hope on yourself. You can only depends on yourself to help you to get out from that world. Believe in yourself.

To my present self, you have done a good job. There’s a long road in front of you. We don’t know what future hold for you. But enjoy the moment. Stop useless worries, start living in the moment. Appreciate the time you have right now before it all gone.

To my future self, keep strong. Even there’s a hard trial, it will end too. There’s nothing that you can’t overcome. Please keep believing and keep walking forward. If you are lost, stop for a moment and take a break. It’s okay to be late than never making it. Chase your dream. Being slow doesn’t mean losing. Stop when you’re tired. Rest when everything is too fast. Walk on your own pace. You, yourself are what important.

Lastly,

Happy Birthday to me.

Continue reading →

How Heart Work

I always wonder how heart work

Wasn't it fascinating that we don't even know how and when we fell in love.

It's happen in a flash.

I'm talking about myself.

I don't know how much I love until I lose it. 

How fascinating it is that even after a year, my heart still ache the same.

For him, for missing him.

I feel sorry but somehow I just winder why.

I can still cry in memory of him.

But I can't let anyone know about this.

They will call me crazy.

Coz I can't move on.

Coz I can't let him go.

I do. I do want to let him go.

But somehow, in a way, I can't. 

The picture won't fade, the memory stay intact.

I still get a dream of him.

I'm not complaining about it tho.

Somehow that was my medicine.

I can't never meet him again.

So meeting him in my dream is good enough.

I'm fine with it.

But...

I wish...

Maybe just maybe

I hope...

I wish...

I can see someone with similar face like him in this world.

Hahah I know it's impossible tho.

But someone has said that a person have seven identical face on Earth,

I don't think my wish is impossible.

But I'm pretty sure people would calling me crazy.

Yeah I know. Don't bother telling me that.

Ah... Even I tried liking others, or locking my heart from feelings,

Deep down I know.

I can't let him go.

I don't know why.

I don't know how.

I just don't know.

It's not like I can't. I do tried but it just makes me so scared.

Maybe because I used to think about our future together, 

I used to imagine about me and him.

I only prepare my heart for him I guess.

But since the future I dream won't ever, never be realized,

Obviously I should change the person in my dream, in my imagination with someone else.

But that was just .... kinda impossible?

Maybe at this time. In the future I don't know.

I feel pathetic to be honest. I feel sad for myself.

Why my heart won't move? Why my heart won't beat for anyone else?

I wonder why my heart don't forget the things that... I should not be holding on.

My 7 years one-side love have ended a year ago. 

Wasn't it already time to stop remembering him and let him go?

Or maybe it's partly because of me?

Because me, myself don't want to let go.

Even for a little longer, I still want to hold into this piece of memories.

Maybe...

Just maybe, holding into it is a way of coping.

I don't know really.

Continue reading →