I'm OkAy

The title says it all. I'm okay(in a mocking tone). Idk why I keep on ranting here when I know this will not reach to anyone. 

But I guess since in real life, I literally have no one, this is the best solution. So what should I write here? Okay. I want to share a story. 

This evening, I was supposedly just staying at home and doing nothing but then my father call me and asked if me and my brothers wanna go to the beach. Like hell I would refuse. I love beach. And since my parents sells ice cream there and they planned to bring us to the beach while they on business. Then okay. I'll go. But the thing that makes me snapped is that, yes I went to the beach but I end up WORKING! While my brothers get to spent their time leisurely, happily, but I'm stuck at the store, scooping ice cream, getting scold and etc. They said I don't need to work but since there's a lot of customer, they need help. And of course I gave a hand. But even there's no customer, I still stuck at the store. Okay I'm getting irritated at that. But since I do good - helping my parents, there's no wrong in it right?  Okay the second part of it. There's a car boot sale nest to my selling oversized shirt. I was so excited to choose. My brothers hands me his shirt while he searched for another one, and yeah I hold it while I'm searching one for me. but then AGAIN I was called by my mom to help even there's literally NOT SO MUCH CUSTOMER! and yeah since I want to be a good daughter, I ge help her and hands the shirt back to my bro. And after the shop closed, my father keep saying, there's someone who don't get a shirt - because he supposed to pay for 5 but he paid only for 4 - and he  keep saying to me why I don't get my shirt. I snapped at that. I'm trying to keep my calm by just gesturing that I dont want that shirt just to not make them feel bad but then my bro checks, the shirt he gave me, the shirt he supposed to buy, is not in the plastic. he then yells at me saying why his shirt was not in there. I then yells back at him; "I DON'T KNOW! I GAVE THAT SHIRT TO YOU BROTHER (I hv 3 brothes btw) AND HOW SUPPOSED I KNOW ABOUT IT!" and while we're bickering, my father asked me again, why I did'nt choose my shirt. Again I snapped and finally I exploded and said; "Who the one that called me while I'm choosing shirt? How I supposed to choose one when I was always getting called at the store!" with that said, I run away from them. 

Hurt? of course. It's way to unfair. My brother is not a kid. he can also help them. BUT WHY MUST IT ALWAYS BE ME? Seriously, all this time, I'm alway try to stay positive by saying if I do good, I'll get good things in return. But what do I get? for all the good things I made to my parents? I sounds like I want things in return, but trust me. i just need their attention even for bit. why i don't get it? because in their eyes, I'm a perfect daughter so I can do well on my own.

Huh fuck that. the perfect me is the result of trying to satisfied my parents heart and to make them proud of me. but what did I get? nothing. i don't get anything. and you know what is the conclusion I get today?

I'm tired of being good. Should I try being bad?

Should I try run away from home?

Nope. I won't do suicide. I still have somethings to be achieve.

And I wont do drugs. It's disgusting.

One day, I'll become powerful.

One day, I don't need money from my parents anymore.

One day, I'll make sure people bow down of respect to me.

One day, I'll show to all those MF who looked down at me, how successful I am.

One day, they will see how PERFECT I am.