Looking
back when I first entered my 20, I was afraid. I was full with uncertainty. I’m
the kind of person who don’t do things when I’m not sure. So I hate myself a
lot at that time. I hate myself because I’m unable to decide things for myself.
I hate myself for being that weak. I spend my whole year hating myself and blaming
myself a lot for all the mistakes I do.
The
voice tell me I’m a loser. It tell me that I’m the most useless person in the
world and no matter what I do, I will never get out from it. And I hate myself
for being that weak. I remember clearly the day I cried under the shower just
because I hate myself so much and I do think that I don’t deserves to live in
this world. Because whatever I do, people will judge me.
I’m
afraid of how people will judge me. So I need to present to the world the
perfect me even in the inside, I’m beyond broken. I can’t let people see the
weak side of me. Even if it’s hurting me, I need to be perfect.
But
still. Everything fall apart. The crack become clearer. I can’t cover it
anymore. People start seeing the bad side of me. That is the moment I start to
give up on living and giving up on myself. I’m losing my confidence more and
more. I spend most of my time inside my room, at the corner of my bed.
Sometimes crying alone. I was lost in the dark. Alone. The friends I thought
that will stay with me, gone like a wind. They never there.
I’m
falling deeper and deeper. But even so, a small part of me whispering that
there’s still hope. Just need me to believe and keep praying.
And
with that little hope, I entered my 21 years. I think my prayers had been
answer. It happen so sudden. It’s like I saw a bright light at the end of my
suffering tunnel. It draws me in and save me. It really save me. I saw a whole
new world in front of me.
Unlike
before, this new world is bright and full of colours. It give me confidence and
the colours start to colour my mono-self. In this new world, it teach me how to
love myself and accept myself more. It’s okay to be weak, it’s okay if you are
not perfect. So what if you don’t fit in with community? People talks no matter
what you do.
Just
do well and avoid the bad. You just need to be yourself. No one can ever define
who you are. Be confidence for who you are. Slowly, I start accepting myself. I
stop self-loathing. I start saying good things for myself. Praising myself for
doing a good job is good too. I start to know how to be happy again. Looks like
the fallen pieces turns out bringing the best of me out. Maybe not the very
best of me yet but well…it’s better than before.
Friends?
I have a few but I learned that not all people willing to stay forever in your
life. There is people who are willing to stay but maybe I don’t find it yet.
Anyway, I’m loving myself. That’s all I need at this moment.
Today
I’m turning 22. My resolution - to throw away toxicity and takes in the
positive vibe. I don’t want to go back to that dark world. I still have that
uncertainty. I’m still unsure where this road will take me. But whatever or
wherever it takes me, there must be a reason behind it and I’m sure that is the
best road for me.
Whether
it’s bad or good, I’ll keep going on strong. There is rainbow after rain. I
believe in it. There will be pain, there will be thunder, there will be fall
but it’s all a part of growing. To make a better me. Maybe I will learn there’s
a new side of me that I never know it exist but it’s all still me. The past me,
the present me and the future me, I will accept them all.
To
my past self, hold on. You will get out from that world sooner or later. Hang
in there buddy. Never lose your hope. Don’t put your hope on people. Put your
hope on yourself. You can only depends on yourself to help you to get out from
that world. Believe in yourself.
To
my present self, you have done a good job. There’s a long road in front of you.
We don’t know what future hold for you. But enjoy the moment. Stop useless
worries, start living in the moment. Appreciate the time you have right now
before it all gone.
To
my future self, keep strong. Even there’s a hard trial, it will end too.
There’s nothing that you can’t overcome. Please keep believing and keep walking
forward. If you are lost, stop for a moment and take a break. It’s okay to be
late than never making it. Chase your dream. Being slow doesn’t mean losing.
Stop when you’re tired. Rest when everything is too fast. Walk on your own
pace. You, yourself are what important.
Lastly,
Happy
Birthday to me.
