Hey, Mikorin here.
Idk who will read this but, I hope you hv a good day. Don't worry. Today I won't wrote about my depression but I don't talk about my happy moment too. Why? idk.
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I always wonder, I always hv this thought in my mind when I saw someone smile genuinely, laughing happily, I wonder, how they can be that happy? I know everyone hv their own sadness and happiness is a choice. But guess what, at this point of my life, I feel like something bad will happen if I'm too happy. I mean, I cant be so happy or I'll attract those bad things. I know it's weird but... *sigh* I just can't let myself happy.
And you know, I hate love and I dont believe in it tbh. Idk why I hv this thought even I've never been in a relationship but for me love is somewhat ridiculous things. And I don't need it. But then again, I saw couples happily with each companion...it lowkey makes me feel jealous of you. I even envy people who hv crushes. Me? I hv crush. but crush for an idol. What's the point tho...
If normal girl will looks at their crush/bf pictures that filled their gallery but me? I only hv idol pictures. I'm such a fool right? Dont said it. I know I'm pathetic.
If you asked me why, Idk it either. It just that, everytime I tried to hv crush on someone, it happen that someone already hv his love. Some will said - just go for it girl. Who knows he will look at you. But that's a no for me. You know what I'm more afraid of? I'm afraid of being labeled 'stealer' AGAIN. That was my biggest scar and my spell. More like a curse for me.Enough for me to be called that once.
But I think my whole life is so pathetic. I've no love interest, and no one love me. I even hate myself and nothing this useless human being (me) can do. Family? I'm not that important. I din't mad. I should hv expected it since I was little. BUt always, always I keep on denying it. And now, Im exhausted.
What should I do?
I want to be happy too.
I want to smile again.
