Assalamualaikum and hello everyone.
Seriously, I don't know if there is someone reading this post or come across this blog at this round of time. Well it's been a long time since last I update here. Right? Well it's because i'm too lazy to write or ranting here. In fact I don't write a lot these day. Why? wah life is going hard for me. Like REALLY hard. It's no joke. I feel like giving up on life sometimes but NO WAY. that's a big sin. HAHA. Don't worry. what I mean by giving up on life is not that I want to attempt suicide. What I mean by giving up for life is that I don't want to do anything for it. I don't want to think about my future and I totally lost hope about hoping the best for tomorrow.
Talking about dream and future, tbh I don't have one. Yeah i'm doing my degree study right now but I don't think this is what I want to do. This is the thing I can do, not the thing that I want to do. It's a totally different things. And doing the things that you can do without any passion in doing it, it's meaningless coz you don't feel motivated to do it. I'm talking based on what I'm going through at this moment. It's stressing me out. Even the things that I used to like to learn, it seems so dull and boring.
People always have high expectation of me. My parents, my friends, my teachers...ALL of them said I can do it. they believe I can become success in doing this. BUt I'm the one that learn all this and I'm the one that feel this burden. They don't know my problem. I'm being this far, standing at this point is already an achievement for myself despite my hatred to be involved with people around me.
Seriously talking, sometimes I think I do need to see a psychiatrist to have my mental checked. I think I've develop social phobia and that's freak me out too. Yeah, someones might think I'm crazy but I think this is serious. I don't even really know myself either. So what people expect from me? I'm having a hard time believing and loving myself so did you expect me to love another people. Please. don't expect me do that. I'm rotten and broken inside even I'm looking tough at the outside. But I do believe i'm strong enough for this problem coz I believe Allah gave me this problem coz I'm more than strong to solve this. Yes. you can do this. (Even I'm crying painfully inside.)
I need strength. I need someone to hug me and tell me that's everything's gonna be alright. But I don't have that person. My parents was so far away from me and I'm alone here, feeling vulnerable. Being too far, and the high cost of studying here makes me rethink about my decision to stay here. I don't want to burden my parents. They hv done a lot to me. I'm 20 y/o and I understand them more. I don't want because of me, my family was in trouble. I don't like hearing my parents borrowing money from there and there just to support my study. I think it's the best for me to stop, and studying where the cost is much cheaper. I can't stand seeing my parents looking like a beggar anymore. I'm sick of that. I want to hv a successful life but if it's cost my parents a hard life, I better stop. I should pursue and chase another dream even if I don't hv one at this moment.
Oh! I'm thinking about opening a cafe. Is that count as a dream? Well I don't think I can work well under people coz I'm the bossy type. haha I know that part of myself. ...... Ok tbh I'm running out of idea. What's our topic today? Oh my random mumble. What a random things I talk right? Well I wonder if anyone still reading this. This nonsense writing. I guess I can stop here. I'm running out if idea. So yeah, let's stop here. Bye. love you all who read this till the end. also thanks for reading this.
xoxo
